Today…

There was a long silence between both of us. I stepped towards Sita and got on my knees. I did not have a ring. I held my hand towards her and said “I know I am too late but I don’t want to loose you Sitoo. I know I have been a moron throughout but I was too young then. I was ambitious and career minded. My career stopped me from paying attention to my personal life. I was too scared to love you. But not now. Today I have the courage to stand in front of all the people present here and say that I LOVE U. I want to marry you and I want to take care of you and give you all the love I could never give you earlier when you longed for it. I know you still love me. Just say it Sitoo. Say it once and we’ll get married here itself. Remember you told me you’ll love me every single day of your life till you are alive. Remember?”

“I did say that Anuj. And it was true. Yes the Sita who was in love with you loved you every single day of her life. But she is no more. You killed her the day you left her. She was heart broken and she couldn’t handle all the pain. She died eventually. This Sita who is standing in front of you today is the one you met here in the same place approximately 5 years back. And I don’t love you. I am just a friend of yours who is stepping into an altogether new life. Won’t you wish her good luck like you used to during her exams in college?” Sita smiled.

I stood up somehow and I tried to smile but I couldn’t. My eyes swelled with tears. I turned around and wiped them off. “Ofcourse I will.” I said and moved towards my luggage. I took the small idol of Lord Ganesha and placed it in Sita’s hands. “This was given to me by a girl who always prayed for my happiness and well being. She told me that Ganeshji would keep me safe from all the troubles and that he will look after me when there was no one to take care of me. Today I give it to you. You will need his blessings more that I do. This is all I can do for you.”

“Sita lets go”, some relative just entered the room. And she took Sita away. On her way she looked at me and waved at me wiping the tear that was about to fall from her eye. And she was gone. I had lost her forever. May be I didn’t deserve her. She was too good for me. She loved me selflessly with all that she had and I failed to express what I felt for her. Had I said all this earlier she would have been mine forever. But it was no use thinking of all this now. The damage was already done and I had lost the love of my life.

But I was happy for her. She did deserve a guy who could love her for eternity and I will always pray for her happiness.

P.S.: Those who get their share of love on earth are blessed ones. And such souls are few.

-By

Sheeba Nair

Different Directions……

 

A new beginning: Anuj’s life

London is a great place to be. A beautiful city with lovely people around. I was having a lot of fun here. Onsite work is always full of pressure but it’s a good learning experience. I slogged on weekdays but on weekends I made sure I went to some new place every time. I wished Sita could see all these places I went to. She would have just fallen in love with London. I mailed her a couple of times but she did not reply back. I was mad at her for ignoring me so much. Here I was longing for her and it hardly meant anything to her. every night when I lay on my bed and closed my eyes I could see her face. I would see her in my dreams sometimes and thought of it as real. But then suddenly I would just wake up and realize it was just a dream. Months passed and soon it was a year since I was in London. My life was good but it lacked something. Whatever I did gave me just temporary joy. After sometime I would loose interest in it. I had seen London in and out. So now my weekends were mostly spent at home watching TV or sleeping. I wanted to go back to India.  I missed my family, my friends, Sita. I missed everything.

One day I decided to talk to my manager regarding my shifting back to India. I reached office and was checking my emails when I saw an email sent by Sita. The email that brought me back to India. The subject line said “Hi”. I opened the email with a big smile on my face. I started reading.

Hi Anuj,

Hope you are doing good. It has been long since we had any kind of conversation with each other. I am sorry I didn’t reply to any of your emails. Thought it was not good to be in touch with you. Well there is a good news hence emailing you as I do not have your cell no. else would have called you up personally. I am getting married. It’s an arranged marriage. PFA the invitation. You are the first person I am sending an invitation to. That’s the big news from my end. What about you? How’s your life going on? And when are you coming back to India? Hope you come back soon. Take good care of yourself.

Bye for now.

Regards,

Sita Menon

P.S. Hope to see you at the wedding.

I read the email and I didn’t know how to react. I certainly wasn’t happy at all. I couldn’t believe what I had just read. How could she get married so soon? She was still young and it had been only a year since we were not in touch. That certainly didn’t mean that she get married. She could wait for me to come back. But why did I want her to wait for me? I didn’t know. I was clueless. All I knew was that I had to rush back to India.

Someone loved me: Sita’s Life

It had been six months since Anuj left. I was living my usual monotonous life. I started writing stuff just to keep myself occupied when I was free. It was something I always wanted to do. And it turned out that people thought I had caliber. My work was being appreciated and I was being encouraged to write by more and more people. Emails came pouring in everytime I wrote something new. One day I got an email from a guy called Sriram Nair saying that he had read some of my work and he really liked it. I replied back in gratitude and another mail popped up on my screen as soon as he got my mail. Within no time we were chatting with each other over emails. He would mail me everyday and made it a point to ask me to write more stuff. Sriram was a project lead with TCS and was based in Pune. He was a mallu and co-incidentally he lived near the Sri Krishna Temple which I used to visit. He found me on facebook and soon we became friends. He was a smart guy with strong family values and it turned out that we had a lot in common. One day while we were chatting on facebook he asked me what were my views regarding marriage. I said I would marry a guy whom my parents would approve of. The next day I got a call from my mom asking me to come home as soon as possible without waiting for the weekend to arrive. On enquiry she just said it was something very important. I told my manager that there is urgency back home so I need to leave soon. I caught the bus that very evening and reached home at night. I was relieved to find everything fine back home. Mom told me that there would be a family coming home tomorrow. They wanted to see me. Yes my first marriage proposal. I was a little scared initially but then I calmed down and don’t know why I suddenly thought of Anuj. But I dismissed all the thoughts related to him. In the morning the boy’s family arrived. I was called into the living room and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Sriram was sipping coffee from his cup along with his family. And when he saw me he gave me a big smile. And I almost blushed. After that day I chatted with Sriram on fb he told his parents that he wanted to marry me. His parents found out all about my family and there they were sitting in my living room analyzing me from top to bottom and smiling insanely. I talked to Sriram for the first time face to face that day and he said he was in love with me. I asked why and he said he didn’t know. He loved whatever I wrote and after chatting with me he thought of me as a good friend with whom he could spend the rest of his life. I couldn’t believe someone could fall in love with me. Our parents matched our horoscopes and it seemed that we were made for each other just like our names. So finally I was going to get married. I longed for this thing to happen to me since so many years. And finally my dream was coming true. Though I dreamed an entire life with Anuj I guess there was someone better than him meant for me. Sriram was a nice guy. He was mature, good looking, from a good family and most importantly he loved me. I guess I could ask for more. Our wedding dates were finalized and we were to be married within 2 months on Feb 29^th 2012. A rare day. When I talked to Sriram regarding this he said something that completely bowled me over. “Sita as the date of our wedding is a rare one we’ll make it a point that every four years on our wedding anniversary we would re-marry and renew our vows. We’ll re-marry everytime following a different custom and in a different place. There is so much variety throughout India. We’ll make sure we cover all the customs.” I smiled.

Bidding Adieu…..

 By Anuj:

My alarm rang at its usual 8 am time but I just couldn’t wake up. Somehow I dragged myself out of sleep and when I saw Sita sleeping next to me I smiled. She looked gorgeous even when she slept. She rubbed her eyes when strands of hair fell on her face. I slowly removed the hair that fell on her face and she just woke up. “Good Morning” she said. “You know something Sitoo. You look gorgeous” I said. “I know Anuj….u need not tell me” and she winked. I knew deep down that I liked her a lot and she is the best girl I can ever get in my life. I just had to tell her what I felt for her. But I couldn’t. Something always stopped me. I had to go to office and Sita had a train to catch at 1 pm. I told her I’ll be back from office by 11 and then we could go to the station after having lunch. I reached office at around 9:30 am and as usual had loads of work to do. The documentation work was enormous and the umpteen number of KTs I had to attend just kept me on my toes always. But today I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I wanted to be with Sita. This was the only time I could spend with her. I had no idea what the future held in store for me. All I knew was I would not get this day back in my life again. I was in a totally different state of mind altogether. There was something that I was not doing correct. I had to see Sita right away. I left all the work I had and went back home. Sita was getting ready to leave. she had packed all her stuff and there was a little packet kept on the bed. She saw me and said “You came early? Why what happened? Done with you’re work?” “No I’ll complete it later. If I’m caught up in work I won’t be able to leave hence I pushed all the work for yesterday and came back. What’s in that packet?” I enquired. “Oh. Its something I brought for you. You are leaving so I wanted to gift you something. Something you could keep with yourself for long. May be you’ll remember me seeing it.” And she handed me the packet. I opened the wrapping and found a small idol of Lord Ganesha. “It’s beautiful. Thank you”, I said. “He’ll keep you away from all troubles. I am placing you under his supervision. He’ll take care of you when there is no one to look after you in London. Pray to him everyday and you’ll always be protected”, she smiled. And gave me a big hug. “take good care of yourself and don’t over work as you always do. Work hard but at the same time enjoy yourself as much as you can. And most important don’t miss me much. If possible try to forget me.” All the while when she said this I could feel her heart beat. We embraced each other like we would never let go. And when we tried to move away from each other we ended up kissing each other.

By Sita:

I felt so much pain in my heart that I was about to faint when I hugged Anuj. I could hear his heartbeat when I clung to him. I don’t know what I was talking about. I just kept saying something or the other and held onto him tightly. I just wished I could hold him like this forever. I wanted the clock to stop ticking and the time to freeze. I didn’t want this moment to end. I didn’t want to leave him no matter what. Surprisingly it was not just me who was having a tight grip. Anuj too held me so tight like he would never let me go. We tried to loosen our grip a bit only to kiss each other. The goodbye kiss. A kiss that lasted for eternity. Both of us were not ready to stop. I pulled myself back for a split second and said “I LOVE U Anuj. Not just for today but for every day of my life till I am alive” I looked into his eyes and before he could say anything I kissed him again. I knew he loved me. I could see it in his eyes. He just had to say it. Say it just once. I didn’t know what was there in his mind. If he didn’t love me why was he so unwilling to leave me? What stopped him from expressing his feelings towards me was just an inhibition he had to shun. We kept on kissing each other for a very long time. And we stopped when his cell phone rang. He was being called back in office. Some major issue had come up and it was important for him to be there. I told him to go back to office and that I would go the station on my own. He was unwilling but somehow I coaxed him. Soon it was time for me to leave. I picked up my luggage and headed towards the door when he stopped me. “Sitoo…. You take care of yourself and keep in touch. Don’t think of all the bad things that happened. Concentrate on work and be happy always.” I stood listening to all that talk and just waited to hear what I wanted to since so long. But he didn’t. He didn’t say it. And I just smiled. I don’t know why I smiled. Was I sympathizing with myself for being a fool and loving Anuj selflessly or was I smiling because I felt sorry for Anuj. Sorry because he was not able to say what he felt. May be he didn’t love me. May be he couldn’t ever. I planted a kiss on his cheek and said my goodbye. I headed for the station. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t I don’t know why. May be it was an indication that I take this as a lesson for my entire lifetime. This was the hard way life taught me how not to fall in love.

I reached Mumbai and within a week Anuj left for London. I had not given him my cell no so there was no way he could call me. He emailed me when he reached London describing all about his journey. But not even once did he ask about my well being. How was I? Was I fine? How was my life going? Nothing at all. He mailed me once or twice after that and I did not reply to any of his emails. I missed him. I cried alone at night when everyone slept. But slowly I pulled myself together. I immersed myself in work. Went out with friends on weekends and visited temples almost every weekend to calm myself. Slowly but steadily I gained back normalcy. And my life moved on.

A night to remember…..

 

Anuj’s Perspective:

After nearly 3 months I heard Sita’s voice. I was more than happy that she called me. I could not believe her when she asked me to come out. She had come to meet me. I had an important KT (Knowledge Transition) session to attend but now everything else could wait. It was a wish come true for me. I was longing to see her just once and she herself come to meet me. I almost ran from my building towards the gate. I reached the gate and there she was. Sita Menon wearing the same black dress she had worn when I saw her in the Sri Krishna temple that lovely rainy night on 14^th of January 2007. She looked a little different. She had put on a little weight and her cheeks looked chubbier. She had cut her hair short. The wind kissed her and a few strands of hair fell on her face. She tied back her hair tightly into a pony and now I could see her eyes. She had applied kaajal in her eyes that made her big eyes look bigger. She was watching the traffic when I came near her. “Hi. How are you?” I said. And when she looked at me I could see the same old innocent face again. She smiled and said “I’m fine. How are you? Did I disturb you ?” “No stupid. What is this luggage and all?” “I came directly from the railway station. Thought I’ll meet you first and once Nalini aunt is back from school I’ll go to her place. Haven’t informed her of my visit. It’s a surprise just like I surprised you.” And she smiled in the most mischievous way I had ever seen her. We went to a nearby coffee shop and talked a lot. I asked her why she left without informing and why in the first place did she leave? She told me there was a good opportunity in Mumbai which could give a good boost to her career and hence she moved away from Bangalore. I did not buy any of her clarifications. I knew she went away because she wanted to get away from me. And no matter how much she lied to me I knew what the actual reason was. It was almost evening and she was ready to leave. “How many days will you be in Bangalore?” I asked. “I’m leaving in the afternoon tomorrow” “you came just for a day? Why?”, I was a little surprised when she said she’s leaving soon. “I came to see you once before you leave. may be this is the last time I get to see you and I didn’t want to let go of this last chance.” “Sitoo…..stay with me tonight. Please don’t say no. Just for old times sake. Just this one night.”

Sita’s Perspective:

There I was again at Anuj’s place. There was a certain emotional attachment with this apartment. It was still the same. The same old mattresses on the floor, the same old leaking tap in the washbasin and the same old clock which was always one and a hour ahead of the usual time. I smiled as I entered into the bedroom. It was where we kissed for the first time. And suddenly a thousand feelings came rushing into my mind and my head started aching. “You freshen up. I have a little work left back in office. I’ll finish it and will be back. By that time you can take a nap. You must be tired after the journey.” As he was leaving he asked, “Where do you wanna go to have dinner? Your favorite restaurant?” “Get some veggies on your way back. I’ll cook for you tonight.” I said and he smiled. Thanks to Nalini Aunty I was a good cook now. Anuj came back from office  in two hours and brought in all the stuff I asked him to. I got into the kitchen and he came along. We both cooked the dinner together and it was so much fun. We chatted all the while, teased each other. He cut the veggies and knead the dough for chapattis. I made the curry and made horrible chapattis for which he teased me a lot. I was not an expert with chapattis I had already told him but he just wanted a reason to pull my leg. I got so angry that I smeared him with the wheat flour and in retaliation he threw water on me. By the time the war ended the kitchen was a mess. We looked around the place and then at each and rolled with laughter. We cleaned up the whole place and had dinner watching TV. It was 10 pm and we went out to have an ice cream. We took a long walk gobbling the ice cream. I saw people taking a stroll. Many of them were married and had kids. They all looked so happy. Those people who had kids were busy keeping an eye on their children’s movements. Those who were without kids were simply happy observing the kids. Those who were with their boyfriend or girlfriend simply cuddled to each other. Me and Anuj were walking together and don’t know why half way through he just held my hand. I looked at him and he smiled. May be he did feel for me I thought. He just needs to understand that feeling. We walked for quiet some time and then as we were returning back home I glanced at all the people around. I too wanted to get married and go through all these phases. I too wanted someone to hold my hand and walk with me throughout my life. I too wanted to get married and have kids with someone who would love me for eternity. And all I wished for was that person be Anuj.

We reached home and sat chatting with each other. He told me how much he missed me all those days when I was gone. How this onsite opportunity would change his career graph totally. He was very happy and so was I. we kept on talking till late and by the time we slept it was early morning. When we finally decided to get some sleep we did not sleep in different rooms. We cuddled into the same bed in the same blanket and slept like two kids who were tired after a long day’s play. It was indeed a very special day. The best of all those I spent with Anuj.

Separation…

 

By Anuj:

Sita came back to Bangalore but she didn’t call me up. I called her up to enquire when she’ll be coming back and she said that she was already home. I got a little angry at her for not telling me that she was back at which she said that she didn’t think it was necessary to inform me as it hardly mattered to me. I was shocked at her reply. What was wrong with her? I thought. I tried to talk to her but all in vain. She wouldn’t say a thing. Most of the times she wouldn’t answer my calls and even if she did she would say she’s busy with some work and keep the conversation as short as possible. I was missing our long chats. I hadn’t talked to her properly in a long time. And if I remember properly the last time we met was on that rainy night. I missed my friend Sita. I wanted to see her and ask if we could try to make things the way they were earlier. I decided to see her. The next day I went to CTS and waited till 7 pm outside the gate but she didn’t come out. I tried calling on her mobile but it was switched off. At last I went inside her building. I had all her details and when I enquired about her at the reception they connected me to her extension directly as they couldn’t let me in. A girl picked up the phone but it was not Sita. When I told that I was a friend of her’s who had come to give her a surprise visit. The girl said she’ll come out. When the girl came out she told me that Sita had left. I enquired how come she left early for home today. At this the girl smiled and said that Sita had not gone home. She had gone to Mumbai. She took a transfer and she had joined the Mumbai office as it is near her hometown Pune. It was a big shock for me. How could she leave without informing me? Why did she leave in the first place was the question that bugged me. It came as a blow. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my chest. How could she do this to me? I had to talk to her. I asked the girl for her cell number but she said he didn’t have it as she had recently joined the project so was not so friendly with Sita. I left the office disappointed. I wanted to see her right now. I even thought of going to Mumbai. But where would I search her. I knew none of her friends and I couldn’t contact her parents so there was no way I could trace her whereabouts. I kept trying to call her but I the cell was switched off. I sent her a mail but she did not reply. I sent her mails almost everyday but she never replied back. I lost my sleep. Kept thinking of her day in and day out. I just wanted to see her once. I wanted to know what forced her to take this extreme step of leaving Bangalore without informing me.

Months passed and Sita never replied back to my emails. She removed me from her orkut and facebook friends list. I would still visit her profile just to see her atleast through pics. Every time I saw her I was reminded of all the happy times we spent together. I missed her a lot. I missed my Sitoo. L

Meanwhile my professional life was going in an altogether different direction. I was getting an onsite opportunity. And I was chosen by my client to work in London. I was extremely happy and the first person I told this news after my parents was Sita. I emailed her and told her that I wanted to talk to her. I asked for her phone no and told her that I was going to leave for London the next month. I had loads of work at hand. I had to finish a lot of things before I left. Most importantly I wanted to meet Sita.

By Sita:

Leaving Bangalore was the only thing that seemed correct to me. There was not a single place where I didn’t have memories related to Anuj. I had stopped talking to Anuj on a regular basis and avoided going out much. I spent most of my time in office and after office I would be with Nalini aunty. All these months I lived with Nalini aunt but I hardly connected to her. In that time when I was not talking with Anuj I bonded with aunty. She taught me how to cook and do the entire household work at which I was a complete amateur. In her able guidance I was improving. One day I came to know that my project requires a resource in Mumbai to take charge of the team there. All my team mates where either local to Bangalore or lived in places nearby Bangalore so none of them was ready to go. I voluntarily showed interest in shifting base from Bangalore to Mumbai. And within a week I had to leave. Parting with Bangalore, Nalini aunty and memories of Anuj was not easy. I didn’t inform Anuj that I was leaving. I knew he would not approve of me leaving and would somehow coax me to stay back. And the emotional fool that I was I knew I would give in. so the best part was not to tell him. I left for Mumbai and changed my cell number. I moved in to a flat with some team mates of mine. Life was settling down in the new city. I received an email from Anuj asking me the reason behind me leaving Bangalore and I did not want to tell him anything. He mailed me everyday without fail asking me to come back or asking me what made me leave in such a hurry. I did not answer any of his emails. As I was in Mumbai now I made it a point to go back home every weekend. Mom and dad were busy searching eligible bachelors for me and I was still stuck at Anuj. The change of place had helped me a lot but I was still unable to refrain him from entering my thoughts.

It was another day at office for me. I was engrossed in work when I received an email from Anuj telling me that he is leaving for London the next month. I was so happy for him that I almost dialed his no. but then I just stopped myself. I knew he wanted to talk to me and meet me. May be I would never be able to see him ever in my life once he leaves. I wanted to see him right away. The next thing I did was book tickets to Bangalore.

I stood outside the Infy campus on 27^th of October 2010. I dialed Anuj’s no. from the local phone booth outside the campus. He picked up the call and as I said hello he was ecstatic. “Sita………..where the hell are you? Do you know how I’ve been all these months without hearing your voice?”...blah blah blah blah…he went on and on as always. And when he stopped to catch his breath I spoke. “Come outside. I am waiting at the gate.”

Dilemma…

 

Anuj: What to do ????

That night should never have happened between us. It had changed many a things. I was scared to talk to Sita. I knew she loved me and she was very vocal about it that very night. And this meant that she expects me to love her back. I was not ready for love. Yes I felt strongly for her but I was not sure yet whether it was love. May be someday as she said I would also love her but till then it was friendship between us. We continued to talk to each other but the frequency our meetings lessened. We both avoided meeting each other on some or the other pretext. For me it was office work and for her it was something with Nalini aunt or some office friends of hers. One day she told me she’s going home and I didn’t even ask why. I just let her do whatever she wished to. After she went for her vacation back to Pune I called her one night as usual and she said that her parents are seeking alliances for her. She was tensed. I could sense it in her voice. I told her she’s too young to get married but someday she’ll have to. So if her parents are seriously thinking of getting her married she should agree to it. And I said it in a completely normal tone. Sita did not say anything. All I could hear was little silent sobs which she couldn’t hide and before I could ask what happened she cut the call.

Insensitivity at its peak….

I was home for some peace and to sort myself out in the head but solace was not to be found here as well. Mom and dad were too keen to get me married. They just wanted to end their responsibility as soon as they could. But I was not ready yet. Not that I didn’t want to get married but I loved Anuj. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have kids with him. I could not think of any other guy other than him. I just wanted him with me all through my life. I knew he would keep me happy. I knew my parents would never approve of me marrying a tamilian Brahmin guy. But I could cajole them for it. What difference does it make if he’s not a mallu? He’s from a respectable family, has no bad habits like smoking or drinking. He’s educated and earns well. He fulfilled every criteria except the mallu part. And the most important thing was that we knew each other so well and we surely would make a very good couple. And I loved him. What more did I want? But the question was not what I wanted or what I thought of. It was whether it was what even Anuj thought of. We never spoke of marriage ever. May be tonight we could. I told him that my parents were thinking of getting me married. He was a bit shocked initially but later he said that someday all of us have to get married so if I am ready for it then I should give in to my parent’s wish. It was clear. Anuj did not love me but now it was clearer that he never intended to spend a life with me. I was still a friend for him. A friend whom he fell back on whenever he needed her. May be he was attracted towards me but it was mere physical. He could never fall in love with me. If he loved me he would have said it that night itself. But he didn’t. May be I got him all wrong. He never felt for me the way I did. And whatever happened that night was just a moment. A weak moment where may be my physical beauty became too strong for him to resist. But it was not all so easy to sink in for me. I just couldn’t stop those tears from rolling down my cheek. I didn’t want Anuj to know what I was going through at that moment and I disconnected the call. And he didn’t even call me back. I woke up in the morning and told my parents that I wanted to go back to Bangalore immediately as there is some serious issue in office. I wanted to escape from there. When they asked me about marriage I told them to do whatever they thought was right for me. The other day I came back to Bangalore.

A beautiful night…..

Anuj’s View

I didn’t know what I was doing. Sita’s beauty had blinded me. She looked awesome even in that dim light and when she started singing I was totally mesmerized. And yes I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her. The moment was a magical one. The first instance of our physical proximity. I had never touched a girl before but that didn’t mean I was bad at it. She was a bit hesitant initially but after a few seconds she kissed me back. There we were two friends gone astray into a completely different path. When the magic was over I snapped back into reality. What the hell was I doing? This is not correct. We are friends not lovers. Yeah we do feel for each other but none of us knew what this feeling was. I pulled myself back and looked at her. Oh God!!!!!!! Sitoo…….the innocent face, the big black eyes, the long flowing hair, those sweet lips …and I couldn’t stop myself. I kissed her again and this time never to let go. I wanted her. Not just for tonight but for every other night of my life till I am alive. I moved the strands of hair that fell on her face and kept on staring at her face. She looked at me with so much love. It was there in her eyes. I could see it. “Baby ur all that I want when you’re lying here in my arms”----Bryan Adams Heaven Unplugged was all I could think of when I embraced her in my arms. I was living this moment. This moment meant everything to me till she said it.

Sita’s Love

“I LOVE U Anuj”. Yes I said it. I said it finally after contemplating with myself for months. Yes I loved him. I loved him for his stupidity, his understanding, his power to make me happy, his smile, his calm n composed nature and his dimpled chin. I loved them all. He was a bit shocked to hear it and I thought “wasn’t it obvious dude?”. “don’t talk of all this Sita”,he said. “What!!!!!!! I love u Anuj and why are you reacting after hearing this? I didn’t ask you to say it to me. I am just telling you what I feel for you. What is so wrong in that?” Did I over react?????? No I did not. I had all the rights to say whatever I felt. Who was he to refrain me from doing so? “I mean……ummm…..I knew that you felt for me but it was just that I wasn’t expecting that you would say it”. “Anuj…..i guess I know you enough to fall in love with you. You know I speak what I feel…. I feel love for you and it’s perfectly fine if you don’t feel the same way for me. I can’t force you to love me.” “Of course I feel for you…it’s just that I am not sure if it’s love.” “fine … I’ll wait for the day when you’ll feel it. I guess we should sleep now. It’s kinda late. Good night.” I felt hurt. This guy just kissed me and at the same time he says that he doesn’t love me. I did not know what to say or how to react. I just lay back on the bed with the blanket pulled over my face pretending to sleep. Anuj went to bed as well. I cried all night and don’t remember when I slept. I woke up when Anuj called me in the morning for coffee. It was 8 am and I had to reach home and then go to office at 10. We drank coffee and he dropped me back home. We did not speak to each other specific throughout the morning. Just normal office stuff. I was still mad at him for what he had said last night and no matter what I did I just couldn’t believe that he did not love me. Then why did he kiss me? Was Anuj same as those guys who thought of girls just as an object to satisfy their physical needs? Was I just another girl for him? Was he in love with some other girl he had not told me about? Or was he gay? A million questions popped up in my mind and I struggled to get rid of them. I couldn’t concentrate on work. All day I thought of last night. Sometimes I smiled and then suddenly I became sad. I had to divert my mind somehow. I needed to think of something else other than Anuj. I decided to go home. I needed this break.