Dilemma…

 

Anuj: What to do ????

That night should never have happened between us. It had changed many a things. I was scared to talk to Sita. I knew she loved me and she was very vocal about it that very night. And this meant that she expects me to love her back. I was not ready for love. Yes I felt strongly for her but I was not sure yet whether it was love. May be someday as she said I would also love her but till then it was friendship between us. We continued to talk to each other but the frequency our meetings lessened. We both avoided meeting each other on some or the other pretext. For me it was office work and for her it was something with Nalini aunt or some office friends of hers. One day she told me she’s going home and I didn’t even ask why. I just let her do whatever she wished to. After she went for her vacation back to Pune I called her one night as usual and she said that her parents are seeking alliances for her. She was tensed. I could sense it in her voice. I told her she’s too young to get married but someday she’ll have to. So if her parents are seriously thinking of getting her married she should agree to it. And I said it in a completely normal tone. Sita did not say anything. All I could hear was little silent sobs which she couldn’t hide and before I could ask what happened she cut the call.

Insensitivity at its peak….

I was home for some peace and to sort myself out in the head but solace was not to be found here as well. Mom and dad were too keen to get me married. They just wanted to end their responsibility as soon as they could. But I was not ready yet. Not that I didn’t want to get married but I loved Anuj. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have kids with him. I could not think of any other guy other than him. I just wanted him with me all through my life. I knew he would keep me happy. I knew my parents would never approve of me marrying a tamilian Brahmin guy. But I could cajole them for it. What difference does it make if he’s not a mallu? He’s from a respectable family, has no bad habits like smoking or drinking. He’s educated and earns well. He fulfilled every criteria except the mallu part. And the most important thing was that we knew each other so well and we surely would make a very good couple. And I loved him. What more did I want? But the question was not what I wanted or what I thought of. It was whether it was what even Anuj thought of. We never spoke of marriage ever. May be tonight we could. I told him that my parents were thinking of getting me married. He was a bit shocked initially but later he said that someday all of us have to get married so if I am ready for it then I should give in to my parent’s wish. It was clear. Anuj did not love me but now it was clearer that he never intended to spend a life with me. I was still a friend for him. A friend whom he fell back on whenever he needed her. May be he was attracted towards me but it was mere physical. He could never fall in love with me. If he loved me he would have said it that night itself. But he didn’t. May be I got him all wrong. He never felt for me the way I did. And whatever happened that night was just a moment. A weak moment where may be my physical beauty became too strong for him to resist. But it was not all so easy to sink in for me. I just couldn’t stop those tears from rolling down my cheek. I didn’t want Anuj to know what I was going through at that moment and I disconnected the call. And he didn’t even call me back. I woke up in the morning and told my parents that I wanted to go back to Bangalore immediately as there is some serious issue in office. I wanted to escape from there. When they asked me about marriage I told them to do whatever they thought was right for me. The other day I came back to Bangalore.